Relationships and the (male) Guitar Player

This article is written to share some knowledge I have gained about relationships.  I think it’s fair to say that we musicians can be pretty hard on our relationships.  The constant rehearsing, gigging and related activities can really strain a relationship.  Most of us spend more time with our music friend than our family.  And if you have a “day job”, and  play in a band or gig on a regular basis it can be tough for your family to remember who you are.  So I will share some important knowledge with you.  Of course it has to be from the male perspective, and I will probably get quite a bit of criticism from the female members of the Society because of this article.  But it is the only perspective I know, and most GSLV members are men.  So I will make this offer; any female member of the Society who want to respond to this article will be given equal time right here in this space. 

I am well into middle age and I just found out that women keep score on their mates!  That’s right they actually have a point system.  If you are to remain in their good standing you have to keep the points on the positive side.  If you only keep them neutral be prepared for a solitary existence.  If you let your point standing get too far into the negative side, be prepared to liquidate your guitar collection and find another partner.  Points are awarded on an arbitrary basis but one of the fundamental concepts is that you only get positive points for going beyond what is expected by your mate.  Do what’s expected and you get zero points but at least you don’t get negative points.  

For instance let’s say you remember to take out the trash before you’re told.  Total points awarded = 0.  Let’s say you forget to take out the trash and your mate Has to do it for you;  Total points awarded = minus 5.  Let’s say you forget you anniversary or your mates birthday; Total points awarded = minus 50.  Let’s say you remember the date and bring home just the right card; Total points awarded = 0. And if you remember the date and bring home a gift: Total points awarded = plus 10 to plus 25 depending on the value of the gift.  Here are some other deeds and the estimated point values: 

You invite your mate to dinner;

If the dinner is just the two of you; Total points awarded = plus 10

If the dinner includes two of your male band mates; Total points awarded = minus 10

If the dinner includes your female band mate who is married; Total points awarded = minus 15

If the dinner includes your female band mate who is attractive and single and calls you her ”guitar god”;  Total points awarded = minus 25.

If the dinner includes your entire band and it is in fact a thinly discussed excuse for a full rehearsal and catered by the local Pizza Hut; Total points awarded = minus 50. 

Do you see a trend here?           

 Here are some other deeds and estimated point values: 

You invite your mate to an early weekend breakfast at her favorite spott; Total points awarded = plus 10 

If the breakfast includes a stop at Guitar Center to check out the “Ground Hogs Day inventory reduction sale”; Total points awarded =minus15.

If the stop includes you spending 2 hours in the acoustic room jamming with some guy named Shred; Total points awarded = minus 20. 

If during the stop you run into a woman who currently follows your band from gig to gig and has the name of all male band members including yours tattooed above her navel; Total points awarded = minus 50.  

With all the special days and holidays that require gift giving it is sometimes hard for a musician to pick out the correct gift.  I have done extensive research into this subject and offer the following suggested gifts and the estimated point value; 

Box of Ethel M Chocolates: plus 50 points. 

Sentimental greeting card:  plus 20 points.   

One dozen red roses: plus 100 points.                                                             

A Subscription to “Oprah Magazine” plus 25 points. 

A set of D’Addiero guitar strings: minus 15 points.                                                                       

A baseball hat that says “Tune It or Die”: minus 25 points. 

Tickets to the live taping of “Howard Stern”:  minus 50 points. 

So what is the solution here?  Well we need to recognize that most of us become obsessed and self absorbed about our craft.  We need to think about those who support us in our pursuit of music and remind them that they are important to us in a way they will understand.